Months after her final Harry Potter book was published, author J.K. Rowling announced that the head wizard of Hogwart's School of Wizardy - and mentor to her young hero - is gay.
No, not happy-gay.
Albus Dumbledore likes to kiss men. He's into sodomy, and maybe Broadway musicals.
He apparently also apparently had a hankering for a bad boy, evil wizard Gellert Grindelwald. I don't know a whole lot about the Harry Potter universe, so I won't go into too much detail.
Rowling outed Dumbledore at Carnegie Hall, speaking to an audience of fans about her multi-million dollar series. They greeted her announcement with thunderous applause.
Of course, the same idiots who condemn Harry Potter books for the acts of "witchcraft" they include (if you condemn witchcraft, doesn't that mean you believe in it? Repeat: Some Christian groups actually, seriously believe in witchcraft) will now also have a gay guy to condemn.
There should be more gay role models in films and literature. But really, the first thought that crossed my mind upon hearing this news is that Rowling was simply seeking more publicity for her franchise.
Her announcement, and the surprise with which it was received, shows that Dumbledore's homosexuality probably wasn't spelled out in her book. If she were so courageous, and believed so much in equal rights for gays and lesbians, why did she shy away from being a bit more explicit with it in her popular books?
Fan Porn
To answer the above question, I did a bit of research.
Rowling correctly noted that her announcement would cause an explosion of homoerotic fanfiction. And I, being your fearless guide into the seedy depths of the Internet and the human soul, will provide you the door to depravity. Enter, if you dare, but know that what you will see, you cannot unsee.
A sampling, courtesy of "Marauder" on Fanfiction.Net.
Hey, fundamentalists, Taser this:
He rubs his hands over Albus’s thighs and Albus feels his breath stop in his throat.
“Am – “ He finds his breath. “Am I your gentler side?”
“You are,” says Gellert. “Now put that wand on the night table and look at me.”
Albus sets it down, swallowing, and turns to look back into the clever brown eyes. Gellert sits up and crawls into his lap. The weight, the warm solid weight – Gellert has one hand in Albus’s hair and the other resting on his neck. “We share one mind, Albus,” he whispers. “Why shouldn’t we share one body?”
“Aberforth and Ariana – “ Albus gasps, but he’s already giving in to the ecstasy of Gellert’s touch as Gellert slides the hand from his neck to his chest and lets it trail down further still.
“ – are downstairs,” says Gellert. “And won’t hear us through the Imperturbable Charm on this room. And shouldn’t need a thing from you until morning.”
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
NEWS UPDATE: Colbert announces candidacy
Stephen Colbert has announced his candidacy for president.
The satirist did so in his usual, tongue-in-cheek style: He will run as both a Republican and a Democrat, and he will campaign only in the state of South Carolina, as a "favorite son."
Colbert says his most likely running mate is, of course, Colbert.
His staff went so far as to contact the two main political parties before announcing his run.
Joe Werner, the executive director of the South Carolina Democratic Party, told the New York Times that "From what I understand, he does have credible people down here, working to have him placed on the ballot."
The Republicans down there (as big on family values as they are) suggested that Colbert ought to buy a sports car and get a girlfriend. Colbert is married.
A few idiots pointed to a recent Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year, as if it were about to come true. Given the quality of the candidates, maybe this impossible scenario would be a blessing.
Only time will tell where this will lead us.
The satirist did so in his usual, tongue-in-cheek style: He will run as both a Republican and a Democrat, and he will campaign only in the state of South Carolina, as a "favorite son."
Colbert says his most likely running mate is, of course, Colbert.
His staff went so far as to contact the two main political parties before announcing his run.
Joe Werner, the executive director of the South Carolina Democratic Party, told the New York Times that "From what I understand, he does have credible people down here, working to have him placed on the ballot."
The Republicans down there (as big on family values as they are) suggested that Colbert ought to buy a sports car and get a girlfriend. Colbert is married.
A few idiots pointed to a recent Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year, as if it were about to come true. Given the quality of the candidates, maybe this impossible scenario would be a blessing.
Only time will tell where this will lead us.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
NEWS UPDATE: Catholic Church saves sinners
One of two things are clearly happening among the ranks of the Catholic priests: Their unnatural celibacy leads to some kind of a twisted, predatory desire for children - and/or - their power to communicate directly with God (since normal folk can't do that) is alluring to people who are looking for a way to force kids to have sex with them and stay quiet about it.
Whatever the motivator is, there's another factor that definitely helps: Knowledge that the Catholic Church will do its very best to cover for you if you've been naughty.
It seems every week, a new case of Catholic scandal is popping up. This week, it wasn't a priest. But that didn't stop the church from discouraging the victim immediately.
The woman (now 26) who was abused as a Catholic high school student told reporters that Diocese and school officials blamed her for being abused, according to NBC.
"They told me that I was pretty much asking for it and that I was the one who seduced him."
My biggest sympathies go out to the faithful Catholic families out there who really believe in the church and have tried to abide by its rules. It must be tough seeing what kind of sinners the church really works to save.
Whatever the motivator is, there's another factor that definitely helps: Knowledge that the Catholic Church will do its very best to cover for you if you've been naughty.
It seems every week, a new case of Catholic scandal is popping up. This week, it wasn't a priest. But that didn't stop the church from discouraging the victim immediately.
The woman (now 26) who was abused as a Catholic high school student told reporters that Diocese and school officials blamed her for being abused, according to NBC.
"They told me that I was pretty much asking for it and that I was the one who seduced him."
My biggest sympathies go out to the faithful Catholic families out there who really believe in the church and have tried to abide by its rules. It must be tough seeing what kind of sinners the church really works to save.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: 'The Heartbreak Kid'
It's no 'Knocked Up', but it'll do.
The Farrelly brothers, the ones responsible for Something About Mary, have created another comedic gem: 'The Heartbreak Kid' (2007), starring Ben Stiller. To be honest, I wouldn't have seen it in the theaters, if it weren't for a sneak preview I lucked into. And I'm glad I did. There isn't much genuine heart to it (that's what made 'Knocked Up' more than a gem - a masterpiece, even.) but there is no shortage of laughs. It was fun, entertaining and well-paced all the way through, despite its amazingly predictable plot.
Many of the jokes in this flick are sleepers - that is, a line or a fact is innocently said early in the film. Forty minutes later, it pays off unexpectedly.
The plot can be found here, at IMDB. It's definitely worth seeing, and, while its views on romance wind up being pretty cynical, it remains a good date movie.
The Farrelly brothers, the ones responsible for Something About Mary, have created another comedic gem: 'The Heartbreak Kid' (2007), starring Ben Stiller. To be honest, I wouldn't have seen it in the theaters, if it weren't for a sneak preview I lucked into. And I'm glad I did. There isn't much genuine heart to it (that's what made 'Knocked Up' more than a gem - a masterpiece, even.) but there is no shortage of laughs. It was fun, entertaining and well-paced all the way through, despite its amazingly predictable plot.
Many of the jokes in this flick are sleepers - that is, a line or a fact is innocently said early in the film. Forty minutes later, it pays off unexpectedly.
The plot can be found here, at IMDB. It's definitely worth seeing, and, while its views on romance wind up being pretty cynical, it remains a good date movie.
Monday, October 1, 2007
NEWS UPDATE: Britney: a pop-culture quagmire
Britney Spears' ex-husband, monumental failure Kevin Federline, has won custody of the former couple's children.
Spears, who was once known for being beautiful and innocent, has recently been on a rapid spiral of degeneration. Earlier this year, she shaved her head and rampaged, sans panties, around Los Angeles.
Much like the Iraq War, we all have a part of the responsibility for Spears' destruction. Most of us, at least, bought into this fantasy, that Spears (who danced, scantily clad, and lip-synched on stage to songs she didn't write) was somehow a model human being. But recent events have provided a heavy and unpleasant dose of reality.
And now, just shy of her 27th birthday, she is beyond repair.
Yes, as I said, Spears is like the Iraq War. She's a pop-culture quagmire. We watched this happen, and by doing nothing, we implicitly encouraged it. And now, there is no easy way out.
Will she survive, or will she join the ranks of Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Anna Nicole Smith?
And about three months after all of the faux sadness and contrived introspection that would certainly ensue if she should, we would begin savagely fighting over the scraps.
Spears, who was once known for being beautiful and innocent, has recently been on a rapid spiral of degeneration. Earlier this year, she shaved her head and rampaged, sans panties, around Los Angeles.
Much like the Iraq War, we all have a part of the responsibility for Spears' destruction. Most of us, at least, bought into this fantasy, that Spears (who danced, scantily clad, and lip-synched on stage to songs she didn't write) was somehow a model human being. But recent events have provided a heavy and unpleasant dose of reality.
And now, just shy of her 27th birthday, she is beyond repair.
Yes, as I said, Spears is like the Iraq War. She's a pop-culture quagmire. We watched this happen, and by doing nothing, we implicitly encouraged it. And now, there is no easy way out.
Will she survive, or will she join the ranks of Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Anna Nicole Smith?
And about three months after all of the faux sadness and contrived introspection that would certainly ensue if she should, we would begin savagely fighting over the scraps.
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